On the occasion of Women’s Day, Sakshi Saini draws our attention to the words we can use when referring to relationships between men and women to take forward our #PledgeforParity
“Maalik baahar gayein hai, aayenge to aap ko sab bata dengey” (The owner has gone out. You will get all the answers once he comes home), said Tusli, a resident of Neemgachi village, Sahibganj district, Jharkhand, in response to my request that I had a few questions to ask as part of my field survey.
I asked her to repeat what she had said, just to confirm I had heard correctly.
“Maalik baahar gayein hai, aayenge to aap ko sab bata dengey,” she obediently repeated.
Although I understood she was referring to her husband, I still asked, “Maalik? Maalik kaun?” (Owner? What do you mean, owner?)
Her answer nearly took my breath away: “Jaise aap log husband bolte hain, hum log maalik bolte hai” (Just like you say ‘husband’, womenfolk here say ‘maalik’).
Her use of this word -- maalik, owner -- really bothered me. What a patriarchal society we are living in, I thought.
Being a development worker, I automatically wanted to make the women of Sahibganj aware of women’s empowerment, even though that was not the purpose of my field visit. After all, as an urban, educated, working professional, I embodied an empowered woman, didn’t I? Who better than I to “educate” these rural women about their rights, about how they should value themselves, not see themselves as being “owned” by their husbands. Filled with my knowledge from the lectures, talks and seminars I had listened to on women’s equality and empowerment, I wanted to question Tulsi: How can you simply accept this subservient role, to serve, please and gratify your owner?
I hadn’t taken more than a second to judge the level of empowerment of the women of Jharkhand, their submission to patriarchy by using the word “maalik”. But when my instinctive indignation passed, I realised that Tulsi, with her innocent connection between the word “husband” and “maalik”, had taught me something. She was so right. The two words may literally be different, but their meaning, what they signify to the outside world, is the same. Doesn’t Husband, or for that matter pati (in Hindi), also mean Owner? Haven’t I, in spite of my education, just accepted this nomenclature without question? Aren’t Tulsi and I in the same boat? I decided never to refer to my spouse as my husband, or pati.
On my return to Delhi, I told my spouse of my decision, and we both agreed that henceforth we would use the term “partner” when referring to each other. I don’t know if it’s the best word, but to us it sounds better and signifies both of us are equals.
And this is where the real struggle began...
Very often people, especially in India, think it is their birthright to know what a woman’s relationship is with the man accompanying her. I have been asked, more often than I can remember, “Who is this? Is he your husband?”. To which I have proudly been answering, “No, he is my partner.”
The problem is not so much that people ask the question, but their reaction when they hear the answer. The look on their face very clearly reflects their disapproval; they are quick to judge, just as I had judged Tulsi. Once, on a road trip, we were denied a hotel room in Aurangabad, simply because the hotel manager did not like my answer: “This is my partner.” Very clearly the manager told us, “Hum aise logon ko room nahi dete” (We don’t give rooms to such people). After considerable explanation, he demanded a marriage certificate as proof, which we were obviously not carrying. Who carries around their marriage certificate! And, yes, he didn’t give us the room and we had to look for another place to stay.
This is not a reaction only from strangers; my extended family too has judged me, my character, my values. The more righteous sort tell me to my face that what I am saying is wrong. Others garb their disapproval as concern, telling me that even if someone is with a man without marrying him, one should always say, “he is my husband”, otherwise women will not be “respected” in society. Well, if accepting slavery is the criteria for a society to respect a human being or a relationship, I prefer not to get that respect.
I answer questions, face rejection or humiliation, and am judged almost on a daily basis, but I stick to my decision.
I do not say, “He is my husband.”
I don’t have a husband. I don’t want one. I want a partner, and I have one.
Social acceptability of equality and rejection of words which promote patriarchy is a distant goal. Till then, the battle continues…
